Phuket SATIRE
PHUKET: Phuketwan wants to have its fifth birthday party for 100,000 fans on a Phuket beach on January 1 and we just need to choose which one.
As all of them are public, we guess we can just organise the celebration wherever we like, charge 5000 baht a ticket for a slice of birthday cake and tea, and walk away with a fortune.
Who also gets a slice of the cake? Now that's an interesting question.
The fuss over Paris Hilton's 48-hour New Year party for 50,000 close friends has just about every resort general manager on the island saying: ''What a great idea! I know a beach that's 10 kilometres from my resort and it would be perfect!''
What's wrong with having 50,000 ecstacy-taking, booze-filled party fans who won't sleep for two days as neighbors?
The concept of having an electronic music party for 50,000 people is such a remarkable idea that we are surprised the Mayor of Patong didn't think of it first.
In the interests of finding the right home for parties for Paris Hilton and Phuketwan, we've done a quick survey of Phuket's prime beaches and come up with the following results beach by beach:
Nai Harn beach
PHUKET'S southernmost beach. Only if the wind is blowing in a northerly direction will residents within a radius of 40 kilometres be troubled by the noise.
Rawai beach
A BOHEMIAN hangout where Thai boxing students have been known to practice their skills in bars after dark. Almost perfect if George Michael fans decide to take it out on Madonna fans.
Karon beach
WITH the unseeen dangerous rips that operate year-round at this beach, you could start with 50,000 guests, end up with 48,500, and after two days of drugs and drink, nobody would notice or care.
Kata beach
A DOZEN yachts were washed ashore in a freak high-season storm during the King's Cup Regatta a couple of years ago. A sizeable floating stage being pounded to bits by huge waves should be fun to watch on acid.
Kata Noi beach
A NICE secluded beach that really needs to recover its reputation after a nasty incident on the beach road earlier this year. Holding this event would be perfect.
Patong beach
THE JET-SKI operators will be keen as can be to get those dance music fans out on the waves, as many as possible, all at the same time. When they say ''it's time to crash'' you'll know the party's over.
Kamala beach
IDEAL for this event. Kamala beach at high season is already crowded with so much junk, like a Sunday market, nobody will notice an extra 50,000 people.
Mai Khao beach
ONE of the resorts on this beach already supports the New Year party - as long as it's going to be held at Surin beach. That makes Mai Khao the ideal beach for Paris's party. Hang on, there's one excellent alternative to Phuket . . .
Heard Island
THIS Australian external territory and volcanic group of barren Antarctic islands lies about two-thirds of the way between Madagascar and Antarctica. Penguins are not known to be bothered by noise or party people.
PHUKETWAN has suggested that a new Phuket Beach Authority needs to be created to properly protect and manage all of Phuket's beaches. Only with a single authority providing consistency and sensible decision-making will Phuket's public beaches be saved from the greed of commercial enterprises and local administrators.
This New year's we'll be doing what we always do: going to bed early and tucking our heads under sound-proof pillows.
Very clever - who said the editor has no sense of humor?
Posted by mike on October 31, 2012 10:10