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Surin loses its loungers and umbrellas and goes back to nature lovers

Strange Death of Phuket Legend Doomsayer Jack

Saturday, June 28, 2014
PHUKET: The body of an American expat washed up on Phuket's Surin beach today, bludgeoned to death by the waves.

Lifeguards found him easily because there were no umbrellas and loungers cluttering the sand, and not a single restaurant blocking the magnificent vista of the pounding surf.

The man was wearing a cheap suit and white shoes of the kind favored by Phuket's property salesmen in the 1990s.

Identification was made from a copy of a signed letter in a jacket pocket. It was short and sweet.

''Dear Governor Maitree,'' the letter began. ''I have a great idea for making Phuket famous.

''Just construct a large sound stage across the surf at Surin and market it as 'the beach where we celebrate New Year's Eve 365 nights a year.' It's a sure fire winner!''

The letter was signed ''Your good friend, Jack Black.''

Meanwhile, a Patong hotelier with a long memory recalled that Jack ''Doomsayer'' Black was the man who introduced Phuket locals to the concept of using loungers and umbrellas on the beaches, back in about 1979.

''Jack was full of good ideas back then,'' the hotelier said.

''He sold the locals the first load of umbrellas and loungers and told them it was a great way of trapping customers just where you want them, lying down so there could be no easy escape.''

It is believed Mr Black had a franchise that covered poor-quality sunglasses, fake watches and carved wooden souvenirs with no redeeming aesthetic qualities whatsoever.

''He was very good at what he did,'' the hotelier said. ''He claimed to have invented pyramid selling and said his father started the first hedge fund.''

Police are still leaving all possibilities open but an old Australian surfer who was sitting in a bar a long, long way back from Surin beach believes he witnessed the Doomsayer's final moments.

''He walked down to the beach, then he seemed to do a double-take when there were no umbrellas to be seen,'' the Aussie said, scratching his Speedos.

''Then he ran into the surf, screaming 'What have they done! What have they done!'

''That was the last we saw of him. I would have tried to rescue him but it was my friend's shout so I had to drink that beer first.''

Doomsayer Jack's ashes are expected to be scattered at Surin any day now.

Officials at Governor Maitree's office in Phuket City confirmed that a letter had been received but said no decision had been made about the idea.

''We are prepared to consider any suggestion that is good for Phuket,'' a spokesperson said.

This article is satirical. Any similarity to real people is purely in the vivid imagination of the reader.


Comments have been disabled for this article.


He was really good in "School of Rock"

Posted by Manowar on June 28, 2014 13:06


We must remember it took a coup to "kill" Doomsayer Jack, something that would not yet have happened if left to Phuket's officials. Like the pheonix Doomsayer could still rise from the ashes.

Posted by Laurie Howells on June 28, 2014 13:30


5 5 5 as we still say in Thailand; and 5 5 5 we hope for Laurie's comment too

Posted by juswunderin on June 28, 2014 15:20


You guys better hurry , hear the supplies of victory gin may be running low.

Posted by The War Whores on June 28, 2014 20:39


You'll go back, Jack, do it again...they'll turn you 'round and 'round..ahhhh
the late seventies, steely dan.. asia

Posted by farang888 on June 28, 2014 22:21


Allegedly businesses - those who operates real business in the of chain off Surin beach behind the road public land - paid annual rent 5M THB per rai.
Now OrBorTor officially got task to clarify where this paid rent is , surprise surprise ....
Looking forward that very soon not only OrBorTor, but few other agencies too would join this clarification project within their statutory capacity..

That amount of rent is appr.70EUR/sq.m.
if there is exists market value of a land plot, then market annual net rent could amount risk-free deposit interest rats adjusted for general commercial risk of such renting, i.e. annual rent would amount 5-10% of market value of the plot.

Thus that collected annual rent of 70EUR/sq.m. represent land market value of 700EUR/sq.m.-1400EUR/sq.m., that is quite realistic figure.
So, then we can conclude that those who collected rent utilized rent potential of that land to very full capacity..

Posted by Sue on June 28, 2014 23:53


Don't be thinking too hard that Jack and his mates are dead yet. We are just having tea and watching. Already the food sellers are sneaking back into the car park at Surin, in their cars selling food.If the army is reading this, please don't go yet or stop laying down the law. Arrest and charge those that break the law. We need to see big fines and or jail time, or we will be back in force, as Jack said. The new headlines in the High season will read, "ED sorry, Jack and his family are back, with the in-laws and followers.". Catch the real power players and we could just invite you all to tea?

Posted by Duncan B on June 29, 2014 16:31


Sounds he lost his mind and done a Homer Simpson into the water

Posted by Andrew wattson on June 29, 2014 17:42


Maybe Homer just included Old Jack in a new odyssey

Posted by Manowarj on June 29, 2014 20:17


Having succumbed to his nemeses Poseidon, Jack may one day ride his horse through the serfs and reinstate his position as Surin's first villein and Mentor.

Posted by Manowar on July 1, 2014 19:29

Friday February 23, 2024
Horizon Karon Beach Resort & Spa


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