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Phuket Marketing: Special Offer to Kim Jong-il

Phuket Marketing: Special Offer to Kim Jong-il

Saturday, July 4, 2009
Phuketwan SATiRE


SEOUL, South Korea (AP) North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has been living at an east coast villa since mid-May and is likely convalescing after reportedly suffering a stroke last year, a newspaper said citing US and South Korean intelligence.

Special Introductory Offer to Phuket for July 4 Holiday

Supreme Guider of Destiny and Missiles,
Democratic People's Republic of North Korea.

Beloved Leader, Dearest Kim Jong-Il,

WE WOULD like to take this opportunity to invite you to take part in one of our special package tours for the Summer season on Phuket.

This includes accommodation (10 nights for the price of five, a special offer, not a discount) all meals (at 80 percent off normal prices) and especially for you, a completely complimentary wellness package.

Is stress part of your daily life? Are you aggressive and belligerent with neighbors? Has your work lost its meaning?

Come to Phuket and begin your new life, with yoga and meditation daily at dawn, by the crystal-clear waters of the Andaman Sea.

Mr Kim Jong-il, we believe that we can make you Kim Jong-wel again.

We understand that you love trains and old Hollywood movies: close your eyes as the sun's rays seep across the sea, and your favorite images will come rushing towards you (the movies, not the trains.)

We understand, and we care about the complete, holistic you.

Our Indian Ayuraveda massage specialist, employing all 400 years of experience, believes there has to be some subtle, deep message that you are trying to convey by firing all those rockets.

Let us recommend our all-body and mind complete massage and spa. Our therapists will know just what you need.

Choose your own fragrance from our wide selection (for you we recommend Fear or Loathing.)

Begin by sitting on the sand in the lotus position, close you eyes, breathe deeply, and surrender all your earthly powers to others.

By the time our therapists have wrapped you in our special arms-no-longer-free sarong, covered your head in a sacred hood and carried you to the secret lagoon, we can begin a new, enchanted process.

We call it Water Boarding, or WB for short.

All of your worries and cares about the world will quickly be shrugged off and forgotten. You will concentrate as never before as you struggle to rise through the Nine Layers of Bliss.

We know you frequently dream about 100,000 soldiers marching in perfect sync down the streets of Pyongyang. By the time our therapists are through, it will feel as though millions of feet are quick-stepping all over your body.

It may take several days and repeated treatments before you reach the magical milestone, the Ninth Level of Bliss, but rest assured: our therapists will make sure you get to enjoy the entire FREE program.

The tapes we play each night for you special entertainment, as you lie restrained in complete darkness, include our favorite television jingles from advertisements for beer, fast food, viagra, Microsoft equipment and General Motors cars.

We feel that at the end of our 10 day treatment, you will return home to North Korea several kilos lighter with a sense of purification, a desire for commerce, and perhaps even a longing for the new U: unification.

Believe us when we tell you: the world will be a better place once Kim Jong-il is wel again. See you on Phuket soon.

Yours sincerely,
Phuket Marketing (Water) Board

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Wednesday January 20, 2021
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